The Warden and the Witness: Freeing Myself From the Past

As I sit reading an author who helped change my thinking, I am struck by the idea: who told me that? I realize that no one ever told me to think the repeated thoughts I am thinking. This autonomous thinking has taken control, a control I had relinquished, giving it permission to put me in a chokehold. These thoughts wanted attachment to humans, ideologies, and control.

For many years, I confused the relationship I had with my memory. I used to hold it as an honor and a privilege to recall all these details at a moment's notice. I believed that having an excellent memory would somehow prove superior in my dealings with people. The ability I had to vividly recall events without missing a beat, while others stored a distorted truth, was sensory overload, and I thrived in that energy. It wasn’t until I sat down today to write my blog about another memory, regarding a love that went south, that I realized storing all those memories was the weight I had been carrying.

Each one of those memories was a tiny cord that I attached to myself from an alternate time and reality so I could go back and relive moments. Whether positive or negative, they were willing witnesses that took me back to the past, to dwell.

Thinking of how a lover hurt me and how I had to deal with these attachments was the catalyst for the now real actualization that I imprinted into my reality. This suffering, this pain, these ties were all a result of me holding on to the memory of an event in the past that I can no longer change.

You see, the experience was for that moment, and that moment had its place. What did I learn? How did I grow? How present was I?

My ex once told me that being in a relationship with me was like being in prison and I was the warden. While at the time I knew his words were an attempt to gaslight me because he wanted to go out and spend his “time” with another woman, I can’t help but believe to some degree he was right. He was saying to me: liberate me. Don’t ask me questions about my whereabouts, don’t try to make me accountable to you for the desires that are in me. He was saying give me the freedom to make my own choices without your influence, and allow yourself to make choices that will suit you.

That night, I removed my opinions from his actions. He did, in fact, leave for hours to spend time with another woman, and when he returned home, I berated him for not living up to the standard I expected of him. I berated him for doing what was best for him. I berated him for not respecting me. I gave him control, permission, an assignment that wasn’t his to have.

Before you get too caught up in him, it is my responsibility to respect me, and that comes by setting boundaries and standards that align with my own internal values. I don’t demand respect from others. I respect myself by taking action that is best suited for me when those boundaries are violated. The police don’t walk around saying “RESPECT ME.” They simply monitor the boundaries, and if there is a violation, they take action to restore the peace.

When my partner returned home, I called on my witnesses to punish him for his wrongdoings, with judgment by calling to the stand all the memories that I held collectively in my body to prove that he was, in fact, guilty of the pain and suffering I was feeling in that moment. But he didn’t cause my suffering. My choices did, my memories did, as I used them to store pain, baggage, and fear in my body.

This realization today has allowed me to go deeper within and allow myself the freedom to lament over the past choices of others and myself. He, to this day, is still one of my greatest teachers. I could write a book on all the lessons he taught me, and for him, I am grateful. In this moment, I give myself permission to release all the memories, the ones that felt good and the ones that didn’t. I give myself permission to liberate me from the prison that I created for myself and others by holding so tightly to each memory and saving the past for my present and future.

What I learned today is, if I live in this present moment, my right now will determine the quality of my life, and I give myself the freedom he was so desperately seeking outside of me.

**EVE**

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Your mission

Today, I challenge you to liberate yourself from the chains of your past memories. Reflect on the lessons learned, cherish the growth, and release the pain. Embrace the present moment and make choices that honor your true self. Your freedom lies in your ability to let go and live fully in the now. Let’s walk this path of self-liberation together, creating a life of peace, authenticity, and boundless possibility.