Are You Aligned With What You’ve Asked For?

I will open the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing that you may not have room enough to receive.” Malachi 3:10 

I was listening to a podcast this rising on Quantum Jumping the master teaching the lesson said that you must be a vibrational match to receive that which you are calling in.

I have heard this before many times, but somewhere in the midst of the lesson, it hit on all cylinders today.

There have been numerous occasions in my life when I've earnestly prayed for various things—material possessions, opportunities, financial stability—only to find my prayers seemingly unanswered. It was disheartening to believe that despite being told I could have whatever I asked for, these desires remained unfulfilled. This persistent sense of disappointment manifested as feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and a sense of not being enough. These beliefs became deeply ingrained within me, shaping the core programming of my mindset.

There's a scripture that states, "God will rain on the just and the unjust alike," which prompted me to reflect on the significance of water and its symbolic representation. Water embodies emotions, sustenance, and nurturing; without it, life wouldn't exist. Discovering that our creator doesn't discriminate in sending rain heightened my feelings of inadequacy. How could the divine allow me to endure a drought when I desperately needed nourishment? This notion may appear perplexing to the ego, which is delicate, but it's imperative to teach our ego to recognize the divine source and its infinite wisdom.

In the realm where the source exists, there is no scarcity, and therefore, the concept of lack is non-existent. However, what I realized today is that sometimes, we may not be aligned with what we desire. Somewhere in our thoughts and beliefs, there might be a lack of trust in our deservingness of those desires we perceive as good. While God promises, "I will withhold no good thing from you," the definition of good and bad becomes relative within the spectrum of polarity.

Consider blood types as an analogy. Each person is born with a unique blood type, and in a medical emergency requiring a transfusion, it's crucial to ensure compatibility. Receiving a blood type that doesn't match could be harmful. Similarly, if our desires don't match our inner alignment or frequency, we may need to wait until we're in harmony with what we truly deserve.

In this lesson the master spoke about sending out a gift to a dear fried, that she loved and wanted to share that love with. She ordered and mailed the gift, however the gift never arrived. 

She was confused as to why source would allow her to give such a beautiful gift and this person not receive it. Source confirmed that the friend was not a vibrational match.

Her friend lived in a mindset of lack, scarcity, a vibration that nothing good ever happens to me.

Therefore receiving such gifts would not be received in the manner in which it was given.

This brought me to the many times that I didn’t receive the desires of my heart, and also the many times I offered gifts to people who didn’t and could not receive them.

I have an expansive heart and I used to give to people who just could not receive it. Friends, partners, and sometime children.

I believe that there was always some reflection in this story, but in that reality I didn’t recognize this energy as a scarcity mindset.

While you may not all agree with the different ancient texts or even on the believe system of GOD or one Creator we can agree that, when a person isn’t prepared for a thing they won’t value it the same. The former speaker Myles Monroe said, “ If the Purpose of a thing in unknown abuse in inevitable “. That is how we can know when we are not alignment to the desires that are in are heart.

Eve

The Warden and the Witness: Freeing Myself From the Past

As I sit reading an author who helped change my thinking, I am struck by the idea: who told me that? I realize that no one ever told me to think the repeated thoughts I am thinking. This autonomous thinking has taken control, a control I had relinquished, giving it permission to put me in a chokehold. These thoughts wanted attachment to humans, ideologies, and control.

For many years, I confused the relationship I had with my memory. I used to hold it as an honor and a privilege to recall all these details at a moment's notice. I believed that having an excellent memory would somehow prove superior in my dealings with people. The ability I had to vividly recall events without missing a beat, while others stored a distorted truth, was sensory overload, and I thrived in that energy. It wasn’t until I sat down today to write my blog about another memory, regarding a love that went south, that I realized storing all those memories was the weight I had been carrying.

Each one of those memories was a tiny cord that I attached to myself from an alternate time and reality so I could go back and relive moments. Whether positive or negative, they were willing witnesses that took me back to the past, to dwell.

Thinking of how a lover hurt me and how I had to deal with these attachments was the catalyst for the now real actualization that I imprinted into my reality. This suffering, this pain, these ties were all a result of me holding on to the memory of an event in the past that I can no longer change.

You see, the experience was for that moment, and that moment had its place. What did I learn? How did I grow? How present was I?

My ex once told me that being in a relationship with me was like being in prison and I was the warden. While at the time I knew his words were an attempt to gaslight me because he wanted to go out and spend his “time” with another woman, I can’t help but believe to some degree he was right. He was saying to me: liberate me. Don’t ask me questions about my whereabouts, don’t try to make me accountable to you for the desires that are in me. He was saying give me the freedom to make my own choices without your influence, and allow yourself to make choices that will suit you.

That night, I removed my opinions from his actions. He did, in fact, leave for hours to spend time with another woman, and when he returned home, I berated him for not living up to the standard I expected of him. I berated him for doing what was best for him. I berated him for not respecting me. I gave him control, permission, an assignment that wasn’t his to have.

Before you get too caught up in him, it is my responsibility to respect me, and that comes by setting boundaries and standards that align with my own internal values. I don’t demand respect from others. I respect myself by taking action that is best suited for me when those boundaries are violated. The police don’t walk around saying “RESPECT ME.” They simply monitor the boundaries, and if there is a violation, they take action to restore the peace.

When my partner returned home, I called on my witnesses to punish him for his wrongdoings, with judgment by calling to the stand all the memories that I held collectively in my body to prove that he was, in fact, guilty of the pain and suffering I was feeling in that moment. But he didn’t cause my suffering. My choices did, my memories did, as I used them to store pain, baggage, and fear in my body.

This realization today has allowed me to go deeper within and allow myself the freedom to lament over the past choices of others and myself. He, to this day, is still one of my greatest teachers. I could write a book on all the lessons he taught me, and for him, I am grateful. In this moment, I give myself permission to release all the memories, the ones that felt good and the ones that didn’t. I give myself permission to liberate me from the prison that I created for myself and others by holding so tightly to each memory and saving the past for my present and future.

What I learned today is, if I live in this present moment, my right now will determine the quality of my life, and I give myself the freedom he was so desperately seeking outside of me.

**EVE**

---

Your mission

Today, I challenge you to liberate yourself from the chains of your past memories. Reflect on the lessons learned, cherish the growth, and release the pain. Embrace the present moment and make choices that honor your true self. Your freedom lies in your ability to let go and live fully in the now. Let’s walk this path of self-liberation together, creating a life of peace, authenticity, and boundless possibility.

Living on Repeat: Finding Power in the Pattern

I awakened today, much like every day, with gratitude to be alive. I sing a song to myself, watch a little social media, then I get up and come downstairs to do work.

I light my candles and turn on the meditative sounds that my soul enjoys as I prepare my area for the healing work, and the other work I do daily.

I typically make a cup of tea, and that when it happens. I start to look at everything that seems to be out of place and I disassociate. My mind starts to wonder as I hyper fixate on everything that is out of place.

Usually it’s the same thoughts that tend to pop in my head once I walk down the stairs. Those thoughts seem to be on repeat. They consist of complaints and fault finding. They call into my present reality screaming at me about who doesn’t respect me, who doesn’t love me, who doesn’t value me, and they get louder and louder. 

These thoughts are most often triggered by two things cleanliness and money. 

You see the feeling/ emotion that is prominent is anger and it stems from a space that my love isn’t appreciated, because someone didn’t consider me first.

Well that could sound selfish, right, but it’s not the selfishness that is at play, technically it’s the expectation I place on others that allow me to continue to live that ground hog day.

Most of you probably live your own version of a ground hog day, and little triggers are SCREAMING at you, not because you are to agree with them, but they are there to show you your scarcity.

Think back to an early memory or a strong life changing memory, what was the dominant feeling and where did you feel it?

My most prominent memories were the rejection I experienced as a child in my 5th grade class and I felt it in my mind and in my heart. The mind is such a powerful tool, and it was the gaslighting, bullying, and separation that activated this mindset.

I don’t remember my teachers name, I just knew I didn’t like her and I knew she lied on me.

I remember that as a kid parents always took the side of an adult, so I also had my voice silenced.

I also remember being told how smart I was, but school sucked and I hated class and so I didn’t do my work and consistently made failing grades.  These grades were my rebellion I just didn’t know it then.

Do you see how we can trace almost everything back to a singular time or event. 

Why did I choose to relieve these moments on repeat. How did these thoughts get so strong? Well it was the classic conditioning most of us received. My pleasure centers were rewarded when I conformed and were punished when I rebelled this is how this internal war began.

You may ask what does that have to do with me now?

My control centers have been wired to attribute love and to acts of service and appreciation others give me. This helps me know that I am valued and when I don’t see that show up in my daily experience I have a dominant thought process that comes to tell me, You are not appreciated, You are not loved, no-one respects you, they only care about what you do for them.

Is this a fact, a truth, a myth, or a lie? What are your Dominant thoughts? What singular event or events do you relive like Groundhog Day, playing over and over screaming at you while you are driving , while you are working, while you are preparing meals, when you call customer service. Those are the  feelings that got pushed down that “ feel” powerless and their screams tell you that you are too.  This is why they come in every day to present you the same information.

This state of being actually is harmful, because it impacts your gratitude centers, it impacts your ability to stay in the present moment. The tendency of humans is comparison, so when a trigger shows up over an over, we group them together with every other unsavory experience and begin  to use our words to solidify the experience and my friends we call that manifesting. 

An alchemical experience where you bring thought from consciousness to your physical world, in the form of discomfort, disease, pain and suffering.

So today as I washed the dishes that had sat on my counter for more that a week, while I waited to see if someone loved me enough to clean the dishes, or cared enough to even wash their own dishes, spirit whispered to me chant with Sunshine. I energetically connected with my friend who hosts a chant room on Tuesday healing the inner child, and I chanted my song “ Nam Myocho Renge Kyo”. I was transformed and that is the basis of this healing BLOG.

I hope you can find healing in the places you once suffered, as being on this planet is a wonderful gift.

Eve

Grace in the Heat

Do you have the courage to actually walk the path of what you asked for?

This summer, I advised the universe I wanted a brand new air-conditioning unit. I was ready for my electric bill to go down. In fact, I said to the universe:

“All of my bills are decreasing—my light bill, my cable bill, my internet, my water, and my gas. I desire to increase what I already have by consuming less.”

When you think about those requests, they seem simple, right?

Use a little less electricity. Become more energy-efficient. Don’t run the water as long. Don’t use as much gas.

Simple in theory.

But when you really look at the meat and potatoes of how it unfolds… sometimes, the path you asked for doesn’t feel so good.

So here’s the story.

It was a Thursday in late June. A storm passed through town, as they usually do this time of year. I was working from home—nothing major—just checking accounts, making calls, making sure everything was running as it should.

About 30 minutes into the storm, my power flickered. No big deal—it had happened plenty of times before. Power surges are common around here. But this time… it was different.

About 45 minutes later, it started to get warm in the house. I couldn’t figure out why. I kept working, pushing through. My daughter yelled,

“Mom! Check the breaker—I think the AC is off!”

She was right. It did feel warmer. My body felt hot and a little nauseous from the heat. It was a muggy afternoon in Houston, Texas. Something was off.

I went to the garage and checked the breaker box. Sure enough, the breaker for the outside AC unit had tripped. I flipped it back on, then went upstairs. The thermostat read 85°F. Thank goodness for the cloud cover, because otherwise, it would’ve been 100° inside.

I turned the AC down a bit to try cooling the house again. Then something said, “Look outside.”

So I did.

I walked over to the window, looked down at the outdoor unit—and it wasn’t moving.

This wasn’t the first time. A month earlier, something similar happened. There was a surge, the AC stopped working, I checked the breaker—no luck. The landlord sent a technician. That day, it was probably 80°+ inside the house. Uncomfortable, but manageable.

That technician told me the same thing I’d heard over and over for the past four years:

“This unit is super old and needs to be replaced.”

But each time, the techs got it working just well enough to get us through another summer.

This year felt different.

About two months before summer really hit, I had the thought again: I want to lower my consumption.

I started taking action.

I renegotiated contracts with our service providers—cable, internet, cell phone. I reminded my daughters to be mindful with water usage. We were trying to become more efficient across the board.

Back to June.

After that Thursday surge, the unit never came back on. I contacted the owners to let them know:

“The power went out during the storm, the AC went off—and this time, it won’t turn back on.”

They sent an electrician the next day, assuming it was just the breaker. A short, arrogant man came to the door and said,

“Oh, so y’all do have power?”

I responded,

“Yes, we never said we didn’t. The issue is with the AC after the breaker tripped.”

He went to the breaker box, tried resetting it—just like I had ten times already—and confidently announced,

“You’ve got AC!”

I was disgusted by his utter display of  Egoic confident negligence.

Before getting to upset I offered a gentle request:

Will you check the outside unit. He reluctantly did.

Twenty minutes later, with a puzzled look on his face, he admitted:

“There’s no power going to the outside unit. The breaker is fine. The AC unit… is dead.”

So I ask you again:

Do you have the courage to walk through what it actually takes to receive what you asked for?

Today is Tuesday. It’s early morning in Houston—about 76°F outside. I’ve installed three window units. We’ve got ceiling fans running. I’ve slept with cold towels on my body. I’ve taken cold showers for the past five days.

My landlords filed an insurance claim, saying the unit was damaged by the storm—even though the previous technicians said years ago it needed replacing.

My kids are hot. I’m hot.

And… I’m trying to stay grateful.

After all, all things being considered my life wasn't bad.

Because when I asked the universe to lower my bills and bring in a brand-new AC unit, I didn’t know it would come this way.

I didn’t know it would cost the homeowners $12,000–$15,000.

I didn’t know it would mean filing an insurance claim.

I didn’t know it would mean discomfort for me and my family.

We ask for so much—new homes, cars, healthy relationships, viral content, more money, more peace. We ask the universe for growth.

But do we have the strength, the patience, and the courage to walk the path it takes to get there?

There’s a version of this story where everything happens quickly:

The owners act immediately.

I speak up more firmly.

Or maybe I own the home myself.

 I have endless resources, and I don’t have to think twice about any of it.

But this is my reality. And while it’s hot, uncomfortable, and inconvenient—I’m still fortunate.

My health has returned after a month of illness.

My children are whole and safe.

My parents and siblings are close by.

I could go to my mom’s or stay in a hotel if I needed to.

But I’m choosing to stay here, to tough it out.

Not because I have to.

Because this is the path I asked for.

Because I trust the destination.

This moment has taught me that you don’t always get to choose how your prayer is answered.

But you do get to choose how you walk through it.

For me, it’s leading to a brand-new, energy-efficient system.

My bills will go down.

My rooms will be cool again.

And for that—I’m grateful.

21 days after my intial message, I finally got a Brand New Unit.

The last week of this journey, I had gotten angry, My body had started to feel the impact of 85 to 90 degree heat I inside the home.

From my vantage point they didn't do enough quick enough, and I will not know what it was from theirs. The last text spit fire and I didn't use any disrespectful language, I begin to look at my lease as I contemplated taking them to court for this mental travesty. I would love to say I handled my journey with ease, and at times I did, but I had to give myself permission to truly feel the full scope of my emotions without judging myself for having them.

For me that was the journey, am I being true totally true through out this journey, not just with the AC, but in motherhood, as a partner, a sibling and independent being, and all the other areas of my life that I sojourn through. 

Will I had stifled my tongue, or overstated my purpose in someone's life?

Will I have the courage to feel and be? Will you?

So I ask you:

Are you willing to walk the path to the thing you desire?

Are you willing to walk it with grace, patience, and joy or fully embrace the scope of the being that you are?

Because your outcome is shaped not just by your destination—but by the energy you carry through the journey.

Eve

Chiron’s Children: Healing the Family Wound

Imprint vs impact. There is something inherently beautiful in observing the innocence of a child. The doe eye, curiosuity hidden within their playful smiles, is strong enough to draw in any unsuspecting human. They tend to add a splash of joy wherever they go even in their mischievous moments.

In society, we often hear sayings about how we should treat one another, like "Do unto others" and "You reap what you sow." Today, after cleaning my tub, I found myself reflecting on the impact people have on us and how their influence shapes our development throughout life. From each innocent step we take, are moulds are refined by our environments.

When my sister was just one year old, I accidentally dropped her while swinging her unbuckled car seat. She fell face down onto a bed of rocks in the church parking lot.

Frightened, I apologized for being careless with my infant sister, yelling, "I’m sorry!" But deep down, my sorrow was more for myself than for her. My intention to save me was greater than the potential harm I caused. I was scared of the consequences and the punishment I might face. My fear for my sister was secondary; I was unsure of the damage I had caused her.

She was so cute, smiling in her pretty black velvet dress, her hair pulled back into a puff with the rest falling neatly around it in a bushy yet curly afro. A bow sat atop her puff as she carefully observed her surroundings while I swung the car seat. When she slipped out, we immediately picked her up, dusted her off, and checked for any signs of injury. She seemed okay, and more importantly, she didn’t cry outwardly.

Fast forward a few years, and my sister had developed a noticeably deeper voice than the rest of us. She grew taller, and she had a happy, laid-back temperament. Nothing seemed to frighten her, nor did anything wipe the smile from her face. I can’t remember many times when she cried as a young child.

She would often suck her finger, much like a thumbsucker seeking comfort, mostly detached from people, living in her own world. This didn’t pose much of a problem, as our single mother didn’t have the energy to devote to extracurricular activities like most children desired. Mom was present and taught us many core beliefs that we still hold dear today. Our needs were always met—hot meals, clothes, schooling—Mom took care of it all. Caring for us was her love language, expressed through cleaning, cooking, and the sacrifices of her energy.

Mom had a sarcastic tongue at times, and we often found pleasure in her witty jokes, which were usually at someone else’s expense. It wasn’t too bad as long as it wasn’t your turn, but everyone got a turn eventually.

We learned to notice things about people and exploit them for a laugh. I remember when my ex-boyfriend wore his multicolored, name-brand Jirbeaux’s. My mom told me to tell him never to wear those "rainbow britches" again, or he wouldn’t be allowed in. This imprinted on how we related to each other and the world outside. It was all harmless, or so it seemed. I mentioned that my sister’s voice was deeper than ours, and we would mimic her voice whenever quoting something she said. Back then, it didn’t seem like a big deal. However, you never know the impact you have on a person. She would just laugh and never say anything, always smiling, with her finger in her mouth for comfort. 

Years later, my sister became a teen mom. Even then, she remained laid-back and even-tempered. Some judgment came with this, and we, as we had learned, made jokes and comments. This behavior of teasing each other had become second nature, ingrained in us by our upbringing. But the truth is, we never see the full impact of our actions. My sister, while still loving us, would occasionally display moments of disconnection. I didn’t realize at the time that being empathetic played a role in how I related to people in this manner, but over time, I began to sense her deeper emotions. I started to examine my behavior, especially regarding this beautiful person. What did she come to teach me? How much of her pain was hidden behind that smile? And more importantly, how long had it been there?

This moment of deep reflection, prompted me to also look within the constructs of other relationships, what was hidden in plain sight?

Could she have been in pain the day I dropped her, but her subconscious created a smile and silence as a coping mechanism? How many other times did she cope as we continued our behavior through the years?

One day, while at the nail shop with my sister, she was talking to me about little things, but something inside me wanted to know more about her. There was a nagging feeling that something was bothering her, something she had never spoken about. I asked her to share a part of her astrological chart with me, and as I read deeper into it, I came across her Chiron placement. Chiron is known as the wounded healer, teaching us to overcome personal pains, shortcomings, and grievances through self-healing. In the story of Chiron, his afflictions left him impaired, and in order to heal, he was transformed into a centaur—half horse, half human. This transformation, though painful, enabled Chiron to continue his work.

Upon examining her chart, I realized that part of her life journey was to overcome the ridicule and criticisms that came from family and childhood. The chart indicated that certain experiences would have a long-term impact on her, but she could overcome the imprinted messages placed upon her in her early years.

I immediately felt sorrow because I knew I had been a part of that suffering. Yet, despite it all, she always offered me a smile, compassion, and love. She never returned evil for evil. While not everyone may have to learn the same lessons, that day, I learned more than I ever realized. I learned about the impact of my actions and the imprints they leave on us, far beyond our time with others. These interactions become catalysts for exponential growth for all parties, as we learn more about ourselves through the behaviors we perpetuate. 

To think that I could have perhaps offered kinder words to my sister when she first became a teen mom, that might have opened up the avenue for her to feel safe and guided in her parenting. This impact could have created a stronger bond between her and her child. Perhaps those initial judgments, the criticisms that said, "You’re doing it wrong," are the reasons she withdrew. Or perhaps it was the inability to see the pain behind the smile, and instead, letting things settle like the dusty rocks she encountered from that first swing in the car seat.

Either way, I challenge you all to look over your shoulder, briefly engage with the part of you where those lasting imprints are still impacting your life. Today, take a chance to engage with them, and encourage yourself to see life through a new narrative.

Eve

Challenging the Inner Judge: A Moral Inquiry

Wtf is right or wrong. When we think about the definition of right and wrong there could be many ways people could feel about it. I like to believe that in some form it represents integrity.  

What I think that being good, representing good, having a good heart, is just a perception that I have that could be totally based on a  narrative that has kept me in a cycle of being the under dog.

I remember reading a scripture from the King James Version of the Bible that said that God created both good and evil.  Evil in its representation to me was all the vile thoughts and actions people could or would make. This is where the slope gets slippery. No-one ever really defined what those vile things could be. I would say that theist majority of us grew up with a concept that certain behaviors perpetuated good, while others didn’t. So where is the line drawn?

Having grew up with a narrative that anything with a dark or black connotation was wrong also, deepened my need to find solace in the light, bright, white side of life. Well that does that mean exactly. Let’s take a few statements and as you read them, consider what is your immediate response to them.

Light worker, Fairy, Robber, Gnome, Aphrodite, Athena, Moonlight,  Carjacker, Cinderella, Black Magic, Voodoo, Hoodoo, Priestess, Witch, Global, Mermaid, Siren Jesus, Mohammad, Ali, Thoth, and Malefencent.  

When you look at the list which ones innately feel evil and which ones feel good? These beliefs we hold from childhood, and depending on where you were raised and the circumstances of your upbringing they will look different to each person.

Fast forward, I was forced to look at the way I see my relationship with what I could considered good and bad. I also considered the amount of loyalty and respect give/gave people without equal reciprocity and without vetting them for such an honor. SO, I have a quick story.

I had been renting a house from a couple for a few years. For the most part they don’t bother us and we don’t bother them. Shortly around the beginning of one of the years I had fallen on a little financial mishap. The landlord wrote me and mentioned that I was behind two payments. This was true. I had been trying to secure some unexpected debt, and had plans to catch up the late rents within the next couple of weeks.  We never  complained about the things that went wrong in the house. There was some workmanship that was not the best, but for the most part we had been content in the home. I felt like as long as I didn’t make waves they would not make waves either.

 I must admit though there was this underlying fear that I had from being late, and I am sure it stemmed around some  times when I could not afford my bills, and my lifestyles was bare minimum at the time. I carried a lot of internal shame that came around scarcity and the mindset that it was bred in. My  husband and I struggled to keep our bills paid on time, due to our low self worth. 

 We will get to the self worth piece later after we move past this back story.

 This couple they started to be a little more formal with the way they handled me after the late rents. They had never been the type to get things fixed the proper way in my opinion it was always a quick fix on stuff that happened in the house. 

For instance there was a leak  from the upstair laundry room, that puddled so big and swelled and flooded the down stairs. We sent pictures and of course they came and had it fixed. What I noticed most often, the fixes were always bandaids. A  few months later the same thing happened. Not with the same intensity, but it happened.  Once we had been late  probably within the first four months of moving in and the AC went out and when I say late I mean like two days. 

They refused to fixed the AC until rent was paid. Then one day in an emergency situation where the could not get to me quickly the wife had apologized for the delay on repairs, her mom had passed away and she was out of it. Now I could have given them the same energy they had given me and refuse rents for the mess they left me in, but I didn’t want to do evil for evil. The thing is good and evil is subjective. If you did the exercises earlier you will see just how jaded your biases are. There will be some of you who will say, no you pay them and let me get to you when they can. Others will say that no until they fix it take measures into your own hand. There would also be a court that could have a totally different outlook based on the contract we signed. The contract made by the people’s whose home we rented. Those contract whose best interest was represented in terms of legal jargon I signed.  This is where it gets good. Because the arrangements had been in place for the last few years, and again nothing to notable, until. You see as an empathic person, there are ties when your sympathy can taken when people don’t have boundaries. There we are with those damn boundaries again. Yes boundaries, the invisible barriers meant to protect you from takers.

Because my landlord’s mother had passed away I developed aI had a tenderness for her as I could empathize with her pain, I allowed her mom space to come in and I delivered messages to her at the  different times when her mom would pop up in a dream or share with me a special story to engage her daughter. Those messaged were a saving grace as that was her way of knowing her mom was still with her.  Now for some people that may not mean anything but to me, those were acts of love, and for some strange reason I felt we had bonded.

Oh was I wrong. So back to this late rent. I get caught up , but I notice that there was some animosity. As a business owner I can totally understand when there is a contract and there is someone not holding up their end, but I felt that my past, had shown them that I was credible, but when it comes to perspective and business not everyone is going to be the same.  I realized that things were really about to be different with us. I reach out to the home owner and let them know that we have an electrical and plumbing problem, that arose at the same time. The power stopped working in mutilple areas of the house.  The sink hand and plate broke and my garbage disposal stopped coming on. The crazy this is that we had to wait for her the same way she waited for the rent. No responses, until I let her know this could be a fire hazzard and I would not be responsible for it. They finally get someone out. She had several appointment with different contractors. She sent one at the last minute, who took a liking to me and fixed it without her approval. She wanted an estimate but did not authorize the work. He told me to call her and let her know that he had fixed the work, and that it was going to be a very low cost. While on the phone with her he said don’t tell her a price. I am going to charge my regular fee and split the money with you.  I had never met this man before and what seemed to be a kind gesture didn’t sit right with me. Why? Because him saying that he was going to take money from her to give to me felt like I was doing her wrong.  Suddenly the tenderness and fondness that I had for her came back. She was so excited to save the money, and he questioned why I had this loyalty to this lady. He was right though. Why did I give her loyalty did she earn it, did I properly vet her, what was the determining factor within my psyche that called for such a gesture. I wasn’t taking from her, this professional had the right to do with his earnings as he pleased. This also opened the door for a man to see me as a doormat. Why? Because I refuse something because of a good heart. I don’t know about you, but there many of people who died, having a good heart, until the a person with different beliefs took it. 

Remember the scripture we discussed early on, GOD created both GOOD and EVIL.  So my question to you was what made his deeds evil? What made her deeds evil? What made mine good? Was there a hidden motive, was there a lack of self love and respect? Was there still areas of undervaluation involved within my subscnsciious.

Well let’s go deeper!  The electrician and I spoke for a couple more hours, and I realized that he had some ways about him I didn’t care for,  but he too seem, to have this good heart, but maybe misplaced intentions, the jury is still out. He thought my landlord was a different race, and therefore want to charge more as he believed that people of color specifically blacks were misrepresented and mistreated. On some level, I carry that in me to, but this journey is teaching me differently. This journey is teaching me to look beyond what I see. That part is the hardest though.  So he and the landlord make an agreement and we move on. Later that day I ask her about the sink and garbage disposal. She sends me a copy of my lease and says small non emergency repairs are the responsibility of the tenant. In that moment I was floored. I was like BITCH I KNOW YOU DID NOT. This funky ass sink was rusted from the inside and the garbage disposal on the same sink does not come one. How can that be something I am responsible for when it was nothing I could have possible caused.  She responded, why didn’t you have him (the electrician) check the garbage disposal to which I answered, it’s on the sink, I would presume it goes to a plumber.  Instantly all these thoughts go to my mind. My gentle heart got hard as hell, and I really wanted to say baby you can have this house I’m good.

I thought to myself if I had not said anything these fixes that she is says are  now my responsibly would be covered by her, because someone was trying to look out for me and I refused a blessing or did I? Did my own subconscious thinking put me back in a time warp where I think of others before myself.  Would I be wrong for accepting the payment and if so what made it wrong? What level of integrity would you believe that to be? Who is the determining factor and who wrote those rules? If my actions dictate my Karma, if I didn’t believe my actions were wrong would there still be a karma to pay? Who sets the rules for karma and if that too is the case, does she get some or the electrician who was going to charge her more. Did it benefit him to help her because she was a person of color who may in fact have hurt another person of color? All these feelings, emotions sprung forth, and now I am here challenging you to consider where do your deep seated believes surrounding good and evil stem from. Are they rooted in something concrete that is equally among all humanity, or are they a set of misguided rules, meant to keep people indebted to their abuser, much like Stockholm syndrome?

Eve

Did I Birth My Trauma Too?

You look at the face in front of you, the one that you birthed. Your children, the ones you held in your womb for those nine months. The being that shares DNA with you has features like yours, feels and thinks like you to some degree. You can’t explain why you have this feeling, this feeling that when you see them there is this inherent pain. You fight against these feelings, afraid of feeling shame for having these underlying thoughts of dislike, disdain for this life that looks back at you, vying for your love and attention. You are doing your best, but for some reason, it just doesn’t seem to be enough, and your hope is that your shadow doesn’t become visible to others.

Today I reflect on the power of DNA and its impact on how we carry the energy of our parents and our ancestors. Those thoughts, emotions, fears, and karmic energy live on through the generations. We carry their love and their pain, and all the Karma associated with it. We carry these sins, and when they become present in the ones we are charged to care for, having that unconditional love can be tough. What happens when the sin they carry is the face, the mannerisms, the voice of a familiar spirit that caused you pain?

Unbeknownst to them, they have generational curses running through their veins, while they are here living to become the best and most present version of themselves. We are all part of a collective consciousness; however, the parents you are born to can be the best ones to help you overcome the sum of the sins of our fathers.

There are so many thoughts that we hold inside when it comes to our children. Like, is it fair to have a favorite child? What makes one kid more favorable, and why does this child seem to be so difficult? Those are just a few thoughts that come up; other times, there are even darker thoughts that hide in the deepest parts of our hearts.

Have you ever settled with a partner, and on some level, it felt unbalanced? Then why did you agree to conceive? Every thought, sneaky action, every misinterpreted spoken word, all the hostility, and even lies they have told are all stored in your memories. We see them replayed again and again in the offspring of that person. These feelings that you hold within your memory are now triggered by a life that resembles those events and actions that you have stored, and you slowly build resentment for this life. Why is it that we cannot separate the child from the parent? Is it not because the DNA is so strong that even though this being is unique, those qualities are so strong that you can’t surpass them?

I remember being told that I used to have behaviors like my father. This man was a shadow of my past. I didn’t know all of him; as a matter of fact, I had only known of his existence for the last 18 years of my life. The emergence of this person didn’t fully connect until one day I heard my mom say, "It's funny, even when a child is not with a person they still can have so many similar behaviors of that person." The thing though was she had said this for years, that was not anything new, but what was new was the pain that she carried within her core for the actions my father had taken toward her during their stint together. I knew that he had not been the wisest man to her, but just days prior she revealed deeper-rooted issues within their relationship. I had not been privy to these thoughts as they were tied to a guilt and shame she carried for many years. Her keeping me away was a form of protecting me from repeating his cycles, but they were in my DNA. While this is my perception, I now have a basis for all the feelings that I personally carried as a child. That feeling was wanting to earn my mom’s love and approval. Every time she would look at me and tell me how much I looked like my daddy, it hurt and I didn’t really know why. I loved her so much and thought, why don’t I look like you? My mom is this beautiful person inside and out, but I carried the sins of my father when she looked at me. That shadow that was hiding all this time was a layer that was never meant to see the light of day.

I even remember looking at my own children and seeing the pain their father caused when I saw his mannerisms show up in a crossed leg, a facial smirk, a condescending comment. It never dawned on me that I too was seeing the sins of their father when I connected with them. I remember my daughter saying to me, "Why don’t you love me like you love my sister?" My thought would always be, I do love you the same. But they were very different. Could it be that since I didn’t have a strong relationship with the father that was the difference? Could it be that I too still held on to pain, and when I saw her, I saw him?

How many of you can relate? Well, this is played out all over the world, through nature. When a new male comes into a relationship, he typically becomes territorial over the mom and daughters while shunning any males. I have too been in this same space. Where I have looked at a child and saw the sins of their father. The thing though is the father had more than sin, there was also light. This led me to think deeper, why only focus on the shadows? Why can I only see the hurt, the pain, the mistakes, the hard lessons?

That was the beginning of each quest, right? The search for the meaning in everything. Why is it that I could see their darkness, but not my own? Why did a child need to remind me that we both created this being, and I also am showing up in the creation, that maybe I am not proud of?

**WE HEAL IN THE SHADOWS**

Social engineering tells us that our gender roles are responsible for how we relate to the family dynamic. While we think only moms deal with these feelings, they also linger in fathers. When a mom has hurt that father and he sees the children, he too feels that pain. This can manifest as distance, anger, separation, or even physical/emotional abuse. These unresolved issues that we leave to fester in our minds, souls, and bodies become the next generation's curse to break.

I would like to offer you something today. A new thought, it will require you to look past the pain and shame that you carry regarding your feelings toward the children.

Ask yourself, what offenses am I seeing manifested in this child? Ask yourself, where do you feel this manifestation? Then ask yourself, are you ready to forgive it and release it? You must then recognize where you also played a part in this connection.

Before conception, did you give yourself time to know the person enough to carry their sin and yours simultaneously? 

Did you give yourself adequate love and provide for yourself emotionally and spiritually?

Did you give yourself time to forgive any wounds from parental traumas?

Those would be a good place to start and retrace the areas where you felt that first disconnect and allow you to forgive yourself.

You also want to release any guilt for the feelings you have allowed to fester regarding the child or children. They are also a part of you, but they are here on a journey too. 

Forgive yourself for harmful thoughts about them and the act of conceiving them. Even if it does not feel like it, people are only doing their best. We can’t say what someone’s best is, only ours. You may need to spend some time to redefine your best.

Lastly, when you are ready to unmask these feelings, do so in a safe space. This is between you and your spirit. This can allow you to live more authentically and less weighted.

**Healing with Sunshine the Goddess**

Having the reader work through these prompts:

**Steps to Breaking the Cycle:**

1. **Seeing the Inner Child:** When I am in conflict with my children's father, I imagine him as his inner child during our conversation. I choose to see the good in him and speak to the king within him, or I refrain from speaking at all. I view every interaction with him as an opportunity to contribute to the healing of our combined bloodlines.

2. **Focusing on the Positive:** When I look at my children, I choose to see the best qualities of their fathers. I remind myself why I fell in love with them and imagine my children embodying those qualities even better. When I notice my children struggling with energies that their fathers also battle, I nurture them by modeling and encouraging higher frequency energy to balance dense vibrations. I focus on the behaviors and attitudes I want them to adopt, rather than the ones I want them to release. I help them draw connections between behavior and outcomes (karma), as sometimes our parents are the best example of where we will end up if we continue their toxic patterns.

In closing, to my children, my nieces, nephews, my grandbabies, my siblings:

I ask for forgiveness. I ask that you allow me to release any traumas associated within the connections in which you were conceived and I judged inappropriately. I ask that you too forgive for any sins you carry in your DNA, so we can start anew from this point on, impacting our collective world with forgiveness and love. May you see the beauty in yourself and love you fully. You are more than your DNA; you are the one who overcomes!

Eve