Did I Birth My Trauma Too?

You look at the face in front of you, the one that you birthed. Your children, the ones you held in your womb for those nine months. The being that shares DNA with you has features like yours, feels and thinks like you to some degree. You can’t explain why you have this feeling, this feeling that when you see them there is this inherent pain. You fight against these feelings, afraid of feeling shame for having these underlying thoughts of dislike, disdain for this life that looks back at you, vying for your love and attention. You are doing your best, but for some reason, it just doesn’t seem to be enough, and your hope is that your shadow doesn’t become visible to others.

Today I reflect on the power of DNA and its impact on how we carry the energy of our parents and our ancestors. Those thoughts, emotions, fears, and karmic energy live on through the generations. We carry their love and their pain, and all the Karma associated with it. We carry these sins, and when they become present in the ones we are charged to care for, having that unconditional love can be tough. What happens when the sin they carry is the face, the mannerisms, the voice of a familiar spirit that caused you pain?

Unbeknownst to them, they have generational curses running through their veins, while they are here living to become the best and most present version of themselves. We are all part of a collective consciousness; however, the parents you are born to can be the best ones to help you overcome the sum of the sins of our fathers.

There are so many thoughts that we hold inside when it comes to our children. Like, is it fair to have a favorite child? What makes one kid more favorable, and why does this child seem to be so difficult? Those are just a few thoughts that come up; other times, there are even darker thoughts that hide in the deepest parts of our hearts.

Have you ever settled with a partner, and on some level, it felt unbalanced? Then why did you agree to conceive? Every thought, sneaky action, every misinterpreted spoken word, all the hostility, and even lies they have told are all stored in your memories. We see them replayed again and again in the offspring of that person. These feelings that you hold within your memory are now triggered by a life that resembles those events and actions that you have stored, and you slowly build resentment for this life. Why is it that we cannot separate the child from the parent? Is it not because the DNA is so strong that even though this being is unique, those qualities are so strong that you can’t surpass them?

I remember being told that I used to have behaviors like my father. This man was a shadow of my past. I didn’t know all of him; as a matter of fact, I had only known of his existence for the last 18 years of my life. The emergence of this person didn’t fully connect until one day I heard my mom say, "It's funny, even when a child is not with a person they still can have so many similar behaviors of that person." The thing though was she had said this for years, that was not anything new, but what was new was the pain that she carried within her core for the actions my father had taken toward her during their stint together. I knew that he had not been the wisest man to her, but just days prior she revealed deeper-rooted issues within their relationship. I had not been privy to these thoughts as they were tied to a guilt and shame she carried for many years. Her keeping me away was a form of protecting me from repeating his cycles, but they were in my DNA. While this is my perception, I now have a basis for all the feelings that I personally carried as a child. That feeling was wanting to earn my mom’s love and approval. Every time she would look at me and tell me how much I looked like my daddy, it hurt and I didn’t really know why. I loved her so much and thought, why don’t I look like you? My mom is this beautiful person inside and out, but I carried the sins of my father when she looked at me. That shadow that was hiding all this time was a layer that was never meant to see the light of day.

I even remember looking at my own children and seeing the pain their father caused when I saw his mannerisms show up in a crossed leg, a facial smirk, a condescending comment. It never dawned on me that I too was seeing the sins of their father when I connected with them. I remember my daughter saying to me, "Why don’t you love me like you love my sister?" My thought would always be, I do love you the same. But they were very different. Could it be that since I didn’t have a strong relationship with the father that was the difference? Could it be that I too still held on to pain, and when I saw her, I saw him?

How many of you can relate? Well, this is played out all over the world, through nature. When a new male comes into a relationship, he typically becomes territorial over the mom and daughters while shunning any males. I have too been in this same space. Where I have looked at a child and saw the sins of their father. The thing though is the father had more than sin, there was also light. This led me to think deeper, why only focus on the shadows? Why can I only see the hurt, the pain, the mistakes, the hard lessons?

That was the beginning of each quest, right? The search for the meaning in everything. Why is it that I could see their darkness, but not my own? Why did a child need to remind me that we both created this being, and I also am showing up in the creation, that maybe I am not proud of?

**WE HEAL IN THE SHADOWS**

Social engineering tells us that our gender roles are responsible for how we relate to the family dynamic. While we think only moms deal with these feelings, they also linger in fathers. When a mom has hurt that father and he sees the children, he too feels that pain. This can manifest as distance, anger, separation, or even physical/emotional abuse. These unresolved issues that we leave to fester in our minds, souls, and bodies become the next generation's curse to break.

I would like to offer you something today. A new thought, it will require you to look past the pain and shame that you carry regarding your feelings toward the children.

Ask yourself, what offenses am I seeing manifested in this child? Ask yourself, where do you feel this manifestation? Then ask yourself, are you ready to forgive it and release it? You must then recognize where you also played a part in this connection.

Before conception, did you give yourself time to know the person enough to carry their sin and yours simultaneously? 

Did you give yourself adequate love and provide for yourself emotionally and spiritually?

Did you give yourself time to forgive any wounds from parental traumas?

Those would be a good place to start and retrace the areas where you felt that first disconnect and allow you to forgive yourself.

You also want to release any guilt for the feelings you have allowed to fester regarding the child or children. They are also a part of you, but they are here on a journey too. 

Forgive yourself for harmful thoughts about them and the act of conceiving them. Even if it does not feel like it, people are only doing their best. We can’t say what someone’s best is, only ours. You may need to spend some time to redefine your best.

Lastly, when you are ready to unmask these feelings, do so in a safe space. This is between you and your spirit. This can allow you to live more authentically and less weighted.

**Healing with Sunshine the Goddess**

Having the reader work through these prompts:

**Steps to Breaking the Cycle:**

1. **Seeing the Inner Child:** When I am in conflict with my children's father, I imagine him as his inner child during our conversation. I choose to see the good in him and speak to the king within him, or I refrain from speaking at all. I view every interaction with him as an opportunity to contribute to the healing of our combined bloodlines.

2. **Focusing on the Positive:** When I look at my children, I choose to see the best qualities of their fathers. I remind myself why I fell in love with them and imagine my children embodying those qualities even better. When I notice my children struggling with energies that their fathers also battle, I nurture them by modeling and encouraging higher frequency energy to balance dense vibrations. I focus on the behaviors and attitudes I want them to adopt, rather than the ones I want them to release. I help them draw connections between behavior and outcomes (karma), as sometimes our parents are the best example of where we will end up if we continue their toxic patterns.

In closing, to my children, my nieces, nephews, my grandbabies, my siblings:

I ask for forgiveness. I ask that you allow me to release any traumas associated within the connections in which you were conceived and I judged inappropriately. I ask that you too forgive for any sins you carry in your DNA, so we can start anew from this point on, impacting our collective world with forgiveness and love. May you see the beauty in yourself and love you fully. You are more than your DNA; you are the one who overcomes!

Eve