Challenging the Inner Judge: A Moral Inquiry

Wtf is right or wrong. When we think about the definition of right and wrong there could be many ways people could feel about it. I like to believe that in some form it represents integrity.  

What I think that being good, representing good, having a good heart, is just a perception that I have that could be totally based on a  narrative that has kept me in a cycle of being the under dog.

I remember reading a scripture from the King James Version of the Bible that said that God created both good and evil.  Evil in its representation to me was all the vile thoughts and actions people could or would make. This is where the slope gets slippery. No-one ever really defined what those vile things could be. I would say that theist majority of us grew up with a concept that certain behaviors perpetuated good, while others didn’t. So where is the line drawn?

Having grew up with a narrative that anything with a dark or black connotation was wrong also, deepened my need to find solace in the light, bright, white side of life. Well that does that mean exactly. Let’s take a few statements and as you read them, consider what is your immediate response to them.

Light worker, Fairy, Robber, Gnome, Aphrodite, Athena, Moonlight,  Carjacker, Cinderella, Black Magic, Voodoo, Hoodoo, Priestess, Witch, Global, Mermaid, Siren Jesus, Mohammad, Ali, Thoth, and Malefencent.  

When you look at the list which ones innately feel evil and which ones feel good? These beliefs we hold from childhood, and depending on where you were raised and the circumstances of your upbringing they will look different to each person.

Fast forward, I was forced to look at the way I see my relationship with what I could considered good and bad. I also considered the amount of loyalty and respect give/gave people without equal reciprocity and without vetting them for such an honor. SO, I have a quick story.

I had been renting a house from a couple for a few years. For the most part they don’t bother us and we don’t bother them. Shortly around the beginning of one of the years I had fallen on a little financial mishap. The landlord wrote me and mentioned that I was behind two payments. This was true. I had been trying to secure some unexpected debt, and had plans to catch up the late rents within the next couple of weeks.  We never  complained about the things that went wrong in the house. There was some workmanship that was not the best, but for the most part we had been content in the home. I felt like as long as I didn’t make waves they would not make waves either.

 I must admit though there was this underlying fear that I had from being late, and I am sure it stemmed around some  times when I could not afford my bills, and my lifestyles was bare minimum at the time. I carried a lot of internal shame that came around scarcity and the mindset that it was bred in. My  husband and I struggled to keep our bills paid on time, due to our low self worth. 

 We will get to the self worth piece later after we move past this back story.

 This couple they started to be a little more formal with the way they handled me after the late rents. They had never been the type to get things fixed the proper way in my opinion it was always a quick fix on stuff that happened in the house. 

For instance there was a leak  from the upstair laundry room, that puddled so big and swelled and flooded the down stairs. We sent pictures and of course they came and had it fixed. What I noticed most often, the fixes were always bandaids. A  few months later the same thing happened. Not with the same intensity, but it happened.  Once we had been late  probably within the first four months of moving in and the AC went out and when I say late I mean like two days. 

They refused to fixed the AC until rent was paid. Then one day in an emergency situation where the could not get to me quickly the wife had apologized for the delay on repairs, her mom had passed away and she was out of it. Now I could have given them the same energy they had given me and refuse rents for the mess they left me in, but I didn’t want to do evil for evil. The thing is good and evil is subjective. If you did the exercises earlier you will see just how jaded your biases are. There will be some of you who will say, no you pay them and let me get to you when they can. Others will say that no until they fix it take measures into your own hand. There would also be a court that could have a totally different outlook based on the contract we signed. The contract made by the people’s whose home we rented. Those contract whose best interest was represented in terms of legal jargon I signed.  This is where it gets good. Because the arrangements had been in place for the last few years, and again nothing to notable, until. You see as an empathic person, there are ties when your sympathy can taken when people don’t have boundaries. There we are with those damn boundaries again. Yes boundaries, the invisible barriers meant to protect you from takers.

Because my landlord’s mother had passed away I developed aI had a tenderness for her as I could empathize with her pain, I allowed her mom space to come in and I delivered messages to her at the  different times when her mom would pop up in a dream or share with me a special story to engage her daughter. Those messaged were a saving grace as that was her way of knowing her mom was still with her.  Now for some people that may not mean anything but to me, those were acts of love, and for some strange reason I felt we had bonded.

Oh was I wrong. So back to this late rent. I get caught up , but I notice that there was some animosity. As a business owner I can totally understand when there is a contract and there is someone not holding up their end, but I felt that my past, had shown them that I was credible, but when it comes to perspective and business not everyone is going to be the same.  I realized that things were really about to be different with us. I reach out to the home owner and let them know that we have an electrical and plumbing problem, that arose at the same time. The power stopped working in mutilple areas of the house.  The sink hand and plate broke and my garbage disposal stopped coming on. The crazy this is that we had to wait for her the same way she waited for the rent. No responses, until I let her know this could be a fire hazzard and I would not be responsible for it. They finally get someone out. She had several appointment with different contractors. She sent one at the last minute, who took a liking to me and fixed it without her approval. She wanted an estimate but did not authorize the work. He told me to call her and let her know that he had fixed the work, and that it was going to be a very low cost. While on the phone with her he said don’t tell her a price. I am going to charge my regular fee and split the money with you.  I had never met this man before and what seemed to be a kind gesture didn’t sit right with me. Why? Because him saying that he was going to take money from her to give to me felt like I was doing her wrong.  Suddenly the tenderness and fondness that I had for her came back. She was so excited to save the money, and he questioned why I had this loyalty to this lady. He was right though. Why did I give her loyalty did she earn it, did I properly vet her, what was the determining factor within my psyche that called for such a gesture. I wasn’t taking from her, this professional had the right to do with his earnings as he pleased. This also opened the door for a man to see me as a doormat. Why? Because I refuse something because of a good heart. I don’t know about you, but there many of people who died, having a good heart, until the a person with different beliefs took it. 

Remember the scripture we discussed early on, GOD created both GOOD and EVIL.  So my question to you was what made his deeds evil? What made her deeds evil? What made mine good? Was there a hidden motive, was there a lack of self love and respect? Was there still areas of undervaluation involved within my subscnsciious.

Well let’s go deeper!  The electrician and I spoke for a couple more hours, and I realized that he had some ways about him I didn’t care for,  but he too seem, to have this good heart, but maybe misplaced intentions, the jury is still out. He thought my landlord was a different race, and therefore want to charge more as he believed that people of color specifically blacks were misrepresented and mistreated. On some level, I carry that in me to, but this journey is teaching me differently. This journey is teaching me to look beyond what I see. That part is the hardest though.  So he and the landlord make an agreement and we move on. Later that day I ask her about the sink and garbage disposal. She sends me a copy of my lease and says small non emergency repairs are the responsibility of the tenant. In that moment I was floored. I was like BITCH I KNOW YOU DID NOT. This funky ass sink was rusted from the inside and the garbage disposal on the same sink does not come one. How can that be something I am responsible for when it was nothing I could have possible caused.  She responded, why didn’t you have him (the electrician) check the garbage disposal to which I answered, it’s on the sink, I would presume it goes to a plumber.  Instantly all these thoughts go to my mind. My gentle heart got hard as hell, and I really wanted to say baby you can have this house I’m good.

I thought to myself if I had not said anything these fixes that she is says are  now my responsibly would be covered by her, because someone was trying to look out for me and I refused a blessing or did I? Did my own subconscious thinking put me back in a time warp where I think of others before myself.  Would I be wrong for accepting the payment and if so what made it wrong? What level of integrity would you believe that to be? Who is the determining factor and who wrote those rules? If my actions dictate my Karma, if I didn’t believe my actions were wrong would there still be a karma to pay? Who sets the rules for karma and if that too is the case, does she get some or the electrician who was going to charge her more. Did it benefit him to help her because she was a person of color who may in fact have hurt another person of color? All these feelings, emotions sprung forth, and now I am here challenging you to consider where do your deep seated believes surrounding good and evil stem from. Are they rooted in something concrete that is equally among all humanity, or are they a set of misguided rules, meant to keep people indebted to their abuser, much like Stockholm syndrome?

Eve